Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Blog rediscovered and reopened with a self inspection ..

I don't know if you're still with me after such a long break... Luckily I don't mind talking to myself, and I definitely need a space to brain dump as the past few weeks have been extreme.

Jules and I have been through many lifestyle changes in the past 13 years and we're lucky these experiences help us get through the inevitable screw-ups and mishaps.

Our latest change in circumstances involved leaving a stagnating town full of small minds and large ignorances. If that sounds arrogant or superior then so be it. I want to be superior to some of these people, and arrogance can be healthy if it serves to keep your head above the prejudiced dregs you must swim in.

Already I'm discovering plenty of garden variety wankers in this new place too, but being anonymous again makes a huge difference. Being blissfully unaware of my neighbours deepest secrets, distressing tales of woe and details of their illnesses and family crisis's is great. I walk through the super-malls and no longer need to scan faces to turn away from anymore.

It was interesting to watch myself stress and fume during the many problems involved with the move, (perhaps not fascinating to Julie who bore my aggressiveness with her usual calm). I felt totally overloaded and continually checked myself for cracks indicating an inability to cope. As the situation worsened, I stayed focused on fixing each problem and not dwelling on the cause. I got through it intact but have no desire to run another pressure test at that level for a while. I'm sure the possibility is always there.

When I was younger I'd deliberately push myself to find my physical limits. I'd work until my body collapsed, and when recovered, I'd see if I could better the record. However I think a mental collapse would be far harder to recover from. A broken mind doesn't heal the way muscles do. I fear this type of damage more than losing a limb.

I know our mind's are tempered by adversary, and it's not a bad thing to be stress-tested on occasion, especially if the eventual rewards outweigh the angst. We all like to laugh about our most trying times - some time afterwards. Those of us who don't are doomed to sob over failures in secret, in the dark. Thankfully I'm yet to experience these types of failures.

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