Buying a new car

There's nothing like owning a high-end brand new car that hasn't been subjected to someone else’s smoking, eating, farting or other disgusting habits. Sure you're going to lose a shit load on resale. Who cares? You just bought a new car. Just smell that carcinogenic new car smell.

But that's jumping ahead. Buying a new car should be fun. Here's how to make the most of it.

As a mine worker I made good money in my 20’s and 30’s and I have bought a few cars over the years. The new car purchase is the most satisfying. Having gone through the difficult process of actually earning that money generally makes you want to get more bang for your buck when you spend it. Throwing a wad of cash at a dealer and driving away isn’t going to cut it. I like to make them work for the sale.

Pulling the casual dress and thongs approach is quite interesting. Walking in like a white-trash wanna-be is guaranteed to make the salesman nervous especially when you start handling the merchandise. In places like Kalgoorlie I couldn’t get away with this as they expect cashed up miners to look like a hobo and they’d still bow and scrape to you. It’s the arrogant big cities dealerships that can’t help looking down their nose at you.

When you rock up to one of these up-themselves dealerships looking a bit rough and jump into the most expensive car on the lot, you’re going to get some attention real quick. The salesmen will hang around wringing their hands if you say you’re just looking. Let them do that for a while if you want.

After a suitable amount of time you can put them out of their misery and let them know you’re interested in talking money. The fun really starts now. I’ve had dealers try to tell me what I can afford purely by the state of my clothing. Here I am ready to spend $50 - $70 thousand dollars and they’ll be pushing me towards the base models and giving me estimates on the minimum trade they’ll give me for my bomb which they haven’t even seen yet.

Depending on how much they piss you off there are a few approaches you might consider. Show them a cash deposit of $5000. Whip it out then leave in disgust. Come back later and buy from another salesman. That’s bound to cause a bit off intra-office angst when they argue who should get the commission. If they really get up your nose, buy elsewhere and come back driving the new car and casually mention to the manager why his dealership didn’t get the sale. Very satisfying if you feel particularly put out by their attitudes.

Despite how this sounds, I don’t go out of my way to antagonise the salesman. If they’re willing to treat me fairly and don’t bullshit me or run me down too much we’ll get somewhere mutually beneficial. But a lot of these clowns are natural arseholes and bring it on themselves.

For an example of a typical arsehole listen to this. My wife has bought several new cars over the years and on each occasion I have been very clear to the salesman that the car is for her. She is buying it, talk to her. Most of them still insist on talking to me or treat her like a retard. My wife distinctly hates being treated like a moron for some reason and the salesman constantly asking ‘What colour would you like, dear’ and ‘its got a lovely air conditioner and CD player,’ is a sure fired way of getting her offside. Even when she is more knowledgeable about the cars features than they are they’re still making stupid condescending remarks. That will lose them a sale every time.

(Like it? See - Succeed as a contract labourer).