The toilet switch

I swear the new toilet we installed has a switch that activates the phone. As soon as my arse touches the seat the phone rings. Sometimes there is a short delay to lull me into a false sense of security.

The sensor must know when someone else is in the house as it deactivates and makes my accusations seem paranoid.

Normally I’ll ignore the phone. The fact that it knows what I’m doing is creepy and annoying though.

Much worse are the times I’m waiting for a call-back. Do I snap it off and run, or bang my head on my knees and worry the neighbours with yells of frustration.

I’ve tried to use the toilet switch to my advantage. I thought I could force people to call me back by going in for a sit. Those experiments have revealed the following exceptions to the rule.

• It doesn’t work if you take the phone into the toilet (and that’s not very professional behaviour either).

• The phone never rings if I’m expecting a positive result from the call.

• If I cave in and run for the phone it’s always a telemarketer and never the Lotto man.

It must be a wireless system. I’ve checked to see if it’s hooked up to the mains. Maybe it’s heat sensitive?

There’s a pressure pad in the garage too. It only activates the phone when I’m carrying something heavy.

(Like it? See - Recliner lounges)