Wednesday, 2 April 2008


‘Secrets’ are troublesome animals, primarily of the species ‘Hurtus Maximus” with a few belonging to the offshoot ‘Suprisus Partius’.

Keep this rampant animal to yourself. It’s the only way to weaken it. If you get it right, the Secret dies when you die, unless you were stupid enough to write it down.

Bringing in another keeper to look after your Secret strengthens the animal and causes it to grow too large for both keepers to handle. They then feel the need to bring in yet another keeper to handle the sheer mass. The result is the loss of the Secret every time. Promising not to tell gives the Secret food and energy, inflating it to massive proportions inside the keeper. ‘Hints’ and ‘Analogies’ ooze from the keeper at an increasing rate until the Secret is out in ‘Confused Pieces’.

Secrets don't like being kept. They insist that other people be aware of them. They long to be sought out until they are common knowledge. Once public, they may even transform into the stronger life form called a ‘Scandal’.

The more common ‘Rumour’ can become a Secret by the keeper releasing a ‘Titbit’ then withholding further information. It may gain strength and mass through ‘Conjecture’ by Titbit keepers. At some stage management will try to kill Conjecture with a ‘Memo’ bomb, with varying success. Conjecture is a short lived ever changing creature useful as a shit-stir or to create unrest.

The ‘Blabber Mouth’ keeper regretfully let their Secrets run free at every opportunity. Since putting the Secret back in its cage involves the death of many keepers the Blabber Mouth merely finds another Secret to take its place. A ‘Vicious Cycle’ will eagerly take up residence in the Blabber Mouth.

The ‘Life-Story Spewer’ targets perfect strangers and must be handled with care. They are highly practiced at releasing ‘Family Secrets’ without hesitation. Like the Blabber Mouth they are unable to keep Secrets very long before they explode but can’t share them with people close to them. They use the go slow tactic while printing out your receipt to release truly monstrous Secrets such as, “their son/daughter who might be gay but lives alone and can’t eat meat because it gives them gas and has a boil in the middle of their back that they can’t get rid of and used to wet the bed until they were eleven”.

Don't make eye contact; forgo your receipt and edge for the door. Retain your new unwanted Secret to release it later at a suitable gathering. Start the story with “I got bailed up by this weirdo at the shop the other day..."

(Like it? See - The cult of Amway)

1 comment:

SuzyQ said...

This reminds me of a saying I came across: 'Three can keep a secret if two are dead.'